Saturday, 25 September 2010


I've been really miserable the last two days, and I can't quite explain it. Everything seems to be in a big old mess... boxes everywhere, moving date seems to be receding into the distance... every time I put a load in the dishwasher or in the washer another one seems to appear. I'm not keeping on top of the house, or on top of anything else right now. I've lost my diary - where I write all the reminders that I can't keep in my overstuffed brain - and lost any sense of organisation.

Yesterday was my last day at my 'office job' before I head out into part-time short contract world, a kind of transition step to unjobbing. I think maybe I feel sad because I put such an effort in for three years, to make things better there, and many of the academic staff didn't really even show any care that I was leaving. I did get some great vouchers for John Lewis, which was really generous, and a bottle of champers, but when I saw who had signed my card there was a distinct lack of academic staff on there. Just made me feel rubbish for battling and striving for three years, for nothing. But my boss and my other admin team who work in the offices next to me were great and we had a glass of fizz and a natter before I left.

Today I've been finding E really hard work. He seems to say 'no' to everything and doesn't listen when I ask him not to do things. He kicks me when I'm trying to change his nappy, climbs on the table when I have said not too, tries to get into the fuse box... he's just a bit wild at the moment, and I'm finding disciplining him difficult. I keep losing my temper, which I really don't want to do. I need to find a way of chilling out about it all.

I've got a lot coming up in the next two weeks. I'm registering at the new institution where I'll be doing my PhD, my teaching starts again, and I have some new teaching on a performance course. And of course the big house move. I wonder if my little brain can cope with all of this....

Image 'Young Girl Struck by Sadness' by Picasso


  1. O dear! What a sad tale! You know that you told me you were 'not liked' by some of the academic staff because they couldn't sort out what was you as a person and what you had to do as your job. That makes them not worth agonising about. The people who matter are those who did sign your card and you should try and focus on them. Clearly Ellis is in the terrible twos already but it is a phase and he will get over it though that is no consolation when you are so down. By now I expect you have found your diary so that's one good thing! At least you haven't had what I had last week - my washer, microwave, tumble dryer and electric toothbrush all broke within the space of three days! Then I had this severe reaction to the pneumonia vaccination. My arm is still very swollen and is now blotchy but my temp has gone down and the headache is gone. Up and about today for the first time since thurs and it's SUNNY! Must be Southport!!
    Mwas from Mummyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. Poor darling. Hope you feel brighter today. Like your mum says, the people who did sign your card are the ones worth worrying about. And yay for the vouchers and fizz. Now you can enjoy your new life without the shackles of a 9-5. I know things are all a bit up in the air with the move and Ellis is being a terrible toddler but just keep your chin up and know that there are lots of people out there who love you very much x x x x x x x